RIDE OR DIE (Black Thorns MC #5) Read online

  Damn, the setup right now is a mess. Ax needs to get the hell on that ASAP.

  Then again, maybe none of that is gonna be my problem soon.

  “Smiter?”

  I turn at the sound of Halle’s sleepy voice.

  How did I wake her up? It’s not like my thoughts have volume.

  “Hey, go back to sleep,” I tell her, reaching out and stroking her cheek softly.

  Letting out a tired groan, she shifts on her side to take me in. I see her eyes straining to make me out in the dark. “Are you okay?”

  I tense right up. That question has come out of her mouth way too often lately. It’s nagging at me like a bitch of a thing, getting my back up. Quickly, I catch myself, getting that it’s out of love. She’s just concerned and looking out for me and my happiness. I manage an easy smile. “Yeah. All good.”

  “Why are you awake in the middle of the night then?”

  “It just happened,” I tell her with a shrug. “Maybe one of those wild deer came too close to the house again.” A side-effect of working security so long for Thorns, a club always in some kind of danger, is always being on edge, on alert. It’s hard to fully relax. I can wake up from a dead sleep and be fully awake in an instant.

  “Smiter,” she presses, not content with my explanation.

  I wave my hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. Go back to sleep. It’s all good.”

  The next thing I know, she’s cursing and scrambling up to a sitting position. She flips the lamp on over on her bedside table. “That’s it!”

  I wince from the sudden influx of light. Jesus.

  “I’ve had enough,” she announces.

  “Hal, I—”

  “No! No more blowing it off. No more pretending everything is fine with you, because it’s clearly not. I’ve been well beyond patient and I thought I could keep it up until we leave here. But I can’t. It’s just… too much. Your mind is elsewhere way too much of the time. We’re partners. At least, that’s what I’m giving on my end. On yours, though, you’re just shutting down, shutting me out.”

  She’s hurt because of me. I can’t be having that. “Don’t mean to, Hal.”

  “Yeah? Then tell me what’s going on with you,” she challenges.

  “Going back to Thorns ain’t sitting well with me.”

  I watch her reaction.

  Surprisingly, there actually ain’t much of one. A slight raise of her eyebrows and then a nod is about it.

  “You’re gun-shy after what happened,” she states.

  I scrub my hand over my bristled jaw. “It’s more than that.”

  Shifting her weight, she pulls the covers up to her chest, then leans against the headboard, her gaze intent on mine. “What do you mean?”

  Her tone’s harsher, losing its warmth. It’s because she knows where I’m going with this.

  It’s exactly why I didn’t want to go there with her. At least not yet. Not until I had things fully worked out with real, concrete answers and a plan of action to give her.

  But she’s pushed it, pressing me to open up. “We made a promise to each other about not getting stuck in past pain and all that. This is me doing that, wanting to look forward, and focus on our future together.”

  “And that’s my focus too. It’s why I made that deal with Ax, why I’m uprooting my life and moving Temptress to Reirdon Falls. To your home. To be close to your club.”

  “You didn’t tell me you were doing that. You just went ahead and did it.”

  “For you!” she snaps. “For us to be together for real.”

  “I get that, Hal, but—”

  “But what? Do you wish I hadn’t done it? Is that it?”

  “That ain’t what I said.”

  “Well, you’re not saying much and you haven’t ever since we left everything behind and came all the way out here.” She blows out a breath, then looks me in the eye. “My future is Temptress, Smiter. You’ve known that for a long time.”

  “Yeah, well, sometimes things change.”

  She jolts. “What does that mean?”

  She’s really tied to that strip club of hers. It ain’t just business. It’s personal. She cares about the strippers—her girls—and takes on a Mother Hen type of role with them. It’s half the problem. She feels responsible for them and she won’t let herself see anything beyond all that.

  I get it. I was guilty of it myself.

  But I’m wide awake now.

  There’s so much more out there, so much left to explore, so much left to do.

  We just have to be willing to take the leap.

  And I am. I just hope that she is, or that I can ease her into being, because I don’t want to leave her.

  She’s mine.

  I’m hers.

  We’re us.

  Taking her hand in mine, I tell her softly, “You partnering with Ax opens up a world of possibilities. It don’t just have to be about saving Temptress and boosting profits. Instead of the current sixty-forty split you two agreed to, you could hand over more to him, and let him take the reins. He’ll be able to protect your girls so you don’t gotta worry with that. And you can still have the club to your name, just as a silent partner. Then we can start a whole other life.”

  She stares at me for a long time, her expression unreadable. I don’t know whether she’s stunned, pissed, or what.

  I get my answer soon enough as she jerks her hand from my grip, then tosses the covers off herself aggressively and jumps out of bed.

  The sudden flash of skin, not to mention, that slinky red slip of a nightdress she’s got on, sends a jolt of white-hot desire straight to my dick. Her throwing some anger out there don’t put me off one bit. I like a good anger fuck and the wildness that goes along with it.

  But when she storms across the bedroom and snatches up a robe, hurriedly wrapping it around herself and hiding her body from me, it’s clear that ain’t on the cards. Nowhere near, judging by the look on her face, her features twisted in anger.

  Jeez, this talk ain’t heading to a good place. It’s moments in and already going off the rails.

  “So, let me get this straight…” she starts, folding her arms across her chest and leaning against the wall, a good few feet from me now. “You want me to give up everything I’ve worked for because you don’t want this vacation to end?”

  The way she’s downplaying it pisses me off. She ain’t seeing the situation for what it really is.

  It has my cool and calm falling to the wayside and instead I end up snapping, “You really wanna be the owner of a sleazy strip club for the rest of your life? Is that your ultimate goal in life, Hal? Is that your whole purpose?”

  “Sleazy?” she seethes.

  “It’s a strip joint. So, yeah. What else would you call it?”

  “An entertainment venue. A sanctuary for vulnerable women.”

  “You wanna do that last part, you can. You can do it in a bigger way too, away from the goddamn stripper poles, away from any darker and dirty shit.”

  “You don’t get to decide where my place is, Smiter!”

  My eyes narrow. “You’re my fiancée.”

  “That doesn’t mean you own me.”

  “Never said it did, but it does give me a say, Hal. We’re partners, ain’t we?”

  “Give you a say? You want to make a decision that will completely alter our lives and everything we’ve known, and you just seem to expect me to go along with it like it’s a given.”

  “It ain’t a given. That’s why we’re having this discussion.”

  She shakes her head. “You’ve already decided.” When I hesitate, she pushes, “Haven’t you? That’s why you’ve been so quiet and withdrawn lately. You’ve been thinking all of this over and it’s brought you to this conclusion.”

  I rub the back of my neck, the stress reaction coming out with this talk going south fast. More than that, it’s going to a bad place and one I really hoped it wouldn’t. “Can you honestly tell me that you’re still happy running that club? You ain’t even thought about changing things up, cutting your losses, and doing something different?”

  She blows out a breath and shrugs. “I guess, maybe a little. But I just formed the partnership with Ax. I made a commitment. I have commitments with Temptress.”

  “I get that, but there’s still options. I already told you that Ax will be up for taking the full load of Temptress. I know him. He’s always looking for new business investments.” I walk to her and take her hands again. She lets me, but the hard look on her face tells me we’re not out of the woods here, not even close.

  Well, my next words aren’t gonna make that no better. But they gotta be said.

  “I dunno if I can go back to Thorns.”

  She pulls away and runs a hand through her long hair. “Maybe you should talk to somebody.”

  I raise an eyebrow. “I am. I’m discussing it with you right now, sweetheart.”

  With a roll of her eyes, she explains, “I meant a professional.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You were stabbed, Smiter. You suffered a trauma. And all of this—first the denial, then not wanting to go back into the world—it all seems symptomatic of that.”

  Jesus. She just don’t get it. “It ain’t about no kind of trauma reaction, Hal.”

  “How do you know? Just think about—”

  I finally lose my cool, raising my voice at her, “All I’ve been doing is thinking, woman! About all of it, about what a load of bullshit everything is!” I kick the wall behind me, making a dent with the power behind it, even being barefoot. “And you think this is my first time living through some kind of trauma? It ain’t, by far!” I point angrily at the scar beside my left eye. “This weren’t even the first! It’s my whol
e existence. Trauma and pain is all I am, all I’ve ever been, and all I’m ever gonna be all the while I’m a part of Thorns! I mean, it ain’t just me no more. It’s you. You were attacked and nearly killed just because I pulled you into my world, just because you were linked to me! I don’t want that for you! I don’t want that for either of us no more! That’s what this is all about!” I suck in a breath and manage to take my voice down a few notches. “Can you honestly tell me that I’m wrong about this?”

  She pinches the bridge of her nose, then turns away. Her voice is barely a murmur over her shoulder, “I… need to think about this.”

  “Thought you were all hell-bent on talking it out?”

  She spins back to me, her eyes hard and accusing. “Yeah, well, this is a lot, all right?”

  “All right.”

  What else can I say? She’s right. It is a lot.

  The next thing I know, she’s stomping back to the bed and snatching up her pillow.

  As she goes to storm by me, I step into her path.

  “What you doing?”

  “What do you think?” she snaps. “I’m too pissed to sleep in the same bed with you tonight so I’m going to take the couch.”

  “The hell you are.”

  “Smiter!” she grumbles, trying to dodge past me. There’s no way in hell. My reactions are too good for her to even hope to outmaneuver me.

  I snatch the pillow out of her hands and toss it back onto the bed. “Get back there.” She opens her mouth to argue against me, but I hold up my hand. “I ain’t letting my woman spend the night on the couch. I’ll crash there.”

  She hesitates for a few seconds. “Okay then. Good.”

  Tension ramps up between us.

  There ain’t nothing I can do to make the situation better though, not until she’s processed what I’ve said. She wants time so I gotta give that to her.

  I turn away and head out of the room, calling over my shoulder, “Have a good night, sweetheart.”

  5

  ~Halle~

  IT’S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.

  Smiter isn’t just dragging his feet about going back to our lives, reluctant to leave our little vacationing bubble, he doesn’t want to go back. Period.

  He made that exceedingly clear during out heated discussion last night.

  I finish packing my bag, shaking my head to myself as I zip it closed with finality.

  I didn’t exactly react well. I lost my temper.

  It was a major curveball he threw my way, completely upturning our plans like that. But as I laid awake most of the night alone in our bed, I realized it wasn’t just about that. Although, that was enough to be pissed about. It should have been enough. But what I’m pissed about more than that is that I didn’t notice. I didn’t see the extent of it all, how hard everything has hit him. Thinking it was just going to blow over with time was a mistake. Stupid and naïve. And I’ve never thought of myself as either before. There’s a first time for everything, I guess.

  It’s not like I haven’t tried to get him to talk and open up to me though. He spent so much time locked up tight instead and closed off to me. Then when he finally let it out last night, he’d already decided so much. Without me.

  It’s a mess. Everything is a mess.

  I curse under my breath and snatch up my bag and sling it over my shoulder.

  Before I can even start for the bedroom door, it swings open, Smiter striding on in.

  He takes in the scene.

  Me fully dressed with my coat on and my bag in hand.

  “What you doing?”

  “What does it look like?” I snap back before I can stop myself. It’s why I was avoiding him all morning. I didn’t want to do this, to get into another fight. Not when I don’t know where I stand, or how to solve it.

  He strengthens his stance in front of the open door and folds his arms across his chest. “We ain’t slated to leave until tomorrow. So, what I’m hoping it’s looking like is you getting the day wrong.”

  There’s a warning in there. And I don’t take kindly to it. He really should know better by now than to think he can bark out orders at me.

  “I’m heading back now.”

  “No.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “No,” he repeats, as though it requires no explanation whatsoever.

  I scoff at his audacity, but I don’t say anything more.

  “We ain’t finished with our vacation, Hal.”

  “I am.”

  “Yeah? So, how you gonna get back? We came here on my bike, remember?”

  “I already called a cab. It’ll be here any moment.”

  “A cab? You know how much that’s gonna cost to get all the way back to Brockford?”

  “It’s not your concern.”

  “The hell, it ain’t,” he retorts, striding over to me.

  I hold up my hand, barring him from getting too close.

  I can’t. I just can’t risk it.

  Having him looming over me in that sexy, engulfing way of his, hands on me, it could undercut my resolve. He’s one hell of an all-powerful carnal force when he turns it on. He damn well knows it too.

  He stops as I want, a growl of frustration rumbling from him. “This is stupid, Hal. Walking out like this. Leaving things unresolved. I don’t want us leaving things like this.”

  “I’m sorry if I need more than one night to figure things out, Smiter!”

  “Ain’t what I’m saying.”

  “Well, it sounds like it! You expected to toss that major curveball out there and then have me get on board with everything right away like it’s no big deal! Well, I can’t! It’s a lot!”

  “Believe me, I get that. But this… taking off… it’s extreme.”

  “Look,” I say, taking a breath. “I just need some time.”

  “Time?”

  “Yes. I need to think and I can’t do that with us stuck in close quarters like this, with you suffocating me.”

  He flinches. “Didn’t know I was.”

  His reaction pulls me up short. “I’m not trying to hurt you. But I am upset and, yeah, a little shocked. So, I think it’s best that I leave today before either of us says something that we can’t take back. I just need to think on this, okay? And so do you.”

  I wait with bated breath for his reaction.

  I really don’t want to prolong this fight.

  But his reluctance to let me leave, to give me the space I’m asking for is clear.

  It’s obvious why.

  He’s worried that he’ll lose me for good the moment I walk out that door.

  This isn’t just a little spat, or a minor disagreement that can be resolved with a little discussion and a good balance of give and take.

  No, this is us not seeing eye-to-eye at all on how our life will play out, being on completely separate pages.

  And it hurts, it really hurts.

  After everything we’ve gone through, I really thought we finally overcame what we needed to, that all the tough times were behind us. The angst, the misunderstandings, the struggle to communicate, the distrust, the fear. He proposed to me, for goodness sake. We’re supposed to be ready for that, supposed to be embracing that step, and keep moving forward together as one. We’re supposed to be a team. Everything is supposed to be clear, our future bright.

  Now he’s thrown a wrench into all of that by wanting to make such a huge change that will impact everything.

  And I don’t know what to do with it.

  On the one hand, I want to be able to support him no matter what. He’s my fiancé, the most important person in my life. I love him more than anything, more than I ever felt myself capable. I want him to be happy, to be at peace.

  But on the other hand, I know he’s traumatized by what happened with Frankie. He can’t let go of the guilt surrounding the club being attacked on its own soil. He feels like he failed. It was far more complicated than that. I know it for a fact, because I was there right in the thick of it. But to Smiter the situation is cut and dry with the blame falling solely on him. It’s undercut his confidence. It’s shaken him. Although he’ll never admit that to the club—or even to me I bet—he’s scared. It happened once, he’s terrified that it could happen again. It’s not only about the safety of the club and what it would cost if an attack ever did come at them again so hard, but it’s also about me. He’s haunted by almost losing me. He can’t focus on the fact that it didn’t happen, that we came out on top, that we survived. All he can see is the worst-case scenario of what could have happened. For somebody like Smiter, that’s a never-ending torture, because he can’t cope with uncertainties. He needs to be absolutely, unequivocally sure about everything. Unfortunately, that’s not an attainable thing. Life isn’t ruled by guarantees, quite the opposite. I just don’t know how he can make peace with that. I don’t know how to cut through that sort of intense all-or-nothing thinking.